i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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