why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
