If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
