I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
