I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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