Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
How naked do you want me to be?
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