he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
