Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
