Who did Billy Mays play for?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
