The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
