best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
