Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
