I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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