I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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