Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
