He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
