Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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