Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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