Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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