you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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