i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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