My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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