So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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