and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
