Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
