My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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