Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
