And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Randomize
