im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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