I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
