My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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