Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
