I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
