this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
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