Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
