I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
