do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I see more hoeing in ur future
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