you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
