My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm both gender and math confused
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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