Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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