I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
