Girls should come with a carfax report
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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