I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
