My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
