Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
