I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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