I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
