You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
