Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
