At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
