i just wanna soil my oats bro
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
