I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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