dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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