Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
